So you’re thinking about therapy. For most people, that’s a really huge step forward….and a great one, in my opinion. (‘Cause obviously any therapist would be totally stupid to say anything else otherwise.) No, but all jokes aside. I think therapy is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your mental well-being.
But here’s the thing. Therapy isn’t the answer to all your problems. It’s part of the solution to your problems, but it’s not the be-all-end-all answer to everything.
I can’t tell you how many people walk into my office for their first appointment and expect to have life’s answers figured out and solved in a 60-minute timeframe. When they realize this is simply not the case, I can tell by the look on their face that they are not coming back. And they don’t. And that’s really too bad, because mostly these are the people that need therapy and would benefit greatly from it.
Or, I’ve had clients tell me they were in therapy previously but nothing was changing so they stopped going. One client recently told me this and I asked him how long he had seen the therapist. His answer? Two appointments.
Sorry people. Therapy is not a magic-bullet, quick-fix solution. It just doesn’t work like that. I wish it didn’t, but it doesn’t. Therapy is a process. Sometimes, issues can be resolved in a few appointments. Other times, longer-term, regular and consistent therapy is needed for a few months. It all depends on one thing: how much work a person is willing to put in. And how dedicated they are to making changes.
And here’s another thing. As a client, it’s your job to apply the techniques and work on the goals mutually agreed upon in session; the work is not all on the therapist. Oftentimes I assign clients “homework” of sorts. The ones who do it seem to have the most success and make progress. Others stay stagnant and frustrated. I tell them it’s because they have to be willing to put in the work outside of session. Behaviors don’t change because we want them to change. We have to constantly work to change them.
The other day a woman called me around 10 in the morning. She asked if I had an appointment at noon…that same day….on her work lunch break. I’m always leery of people that need an appointment RIGHT AWAY. Why? Because I know they expect it to solve something and have an instantaneous result. Of course, I assessed for crisis and suicide risk due to her sense of immediacy and quickly got to the root of the problem: her boyfriend had told her she needed to see a therapist or he would leave her. I knew if that was her motivation for coming in, she most likely would think that one therapy session would change everything.
Changes aren’t going to happen in one therapy appointment. Changes and progress can be made with steady, consistent attendance of therapy…and applying the techniques and suggestions that are worked on in session – out of session. I tell all of my clients this: therapy is the foundation. But it’s also work. The real work is done in between appointments. I’ve seen people make positive changes, get out of ruts, recommit to failing relationships, stop using substances and get out of jobs they hated – all due to self-discovery and changes they were willing to make in their lives. It wasn’t the therapy alone: it was the combination of them willing to show up, do the work and make the changes they wanted to make.
Therapy is a commitment and one that is worth it. It’s just not a quick and easy answer. It’s one piece of a puzzle that you have to work – with your therapist – to solve.
I live in the Great State of Texas, and many college students – 66,425 in 2016 to be exact, attend A & M. So of course, it goes without saying that I know lots of kids who attend school there, as well as others in the process of applying for a future spot.
One of my close friends has a son there currently and was alerted during the last month about two recent suicides on campus. Details are unknown, but just the other morning, she texted me about yet another one. That makes three. Of course, this story was buried in the news amidst hurricanes and other happenings.
Another friend, in another state, told me about a recent suicide on the campus where her son attends school at the University of Boulder-Colorado.
All of this news came after a call I received recently from Rock Prairie Behavioral Health Hospital in College Station. One of my former clients who attends school there checked themselves into the hospital feeling hopeless and suicidal. Luckily, this client reached out for help before doing anything. I received this call one day – just one day – after writing a letter my client requested asking her apartment manager to please waive a $400 pet fee because her cat was crucial to managing her ongoing anxiety. She couldn’t nearly afford the pet fee. She also, in my opinion, could not afford to not have her cat with her for the sake of her own mental health. It was a letter I gladly wrote.
The pet fee was waived.
This rash of college suicides, hitting so close to home, is worrisome. According to an American College Health Association (ACHA) study from 2016, the suicide rate among young adults, ages 15-25, has tripled since the 1950s and suicide is currently the second most common cause of death a month college students. This study has other interesting stats: 22.7% of students felt things were hopeless within the previous two weeks of being surveyed, and 58%, in that same timeframe, felt overwhelmed by all they had to do.
These statistics are alarming, but they are certainly not surprising. College is a stressful environment for many students. They are navigating being on their own for the first time, and dealing with newfound pressures of picking majors, dealing with roommates, and attending to life skills such as grocery shopping, laundry and organizing their own time management. Add the rampant availability of drugs and alcohol on campus and for some students who are already at risk, it can be overwhelming.
While are warning signs for suicide, sometimes, there simply are none. Kids can spiral fast. So listen when your child tells you they are feeling hopeless or worried or anxious or depressed. Encourage them to get help, and get it now. Insist on it. It could save their life.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a hotline that operates 24/7 at 800-273-8255. Students can also text HOME to 741741 and a live, trained Crisis Counselor will respond immediately.
Many families are now adjusting to having a child away at college. Parents are worried about class schedules, whether Junior is getting enough nutrition and if their laundry is sorted correctly (or even done at all).
But kids are often using this situation to experiment with drugs and alcohol – in an environment where they are unaccountable for the first time (to anyone but themselves) and testing their newfound freedom.
This freedom can be okay for some, and work in the opposite direction for others. I know this because in my own clinic, I see many college students that got into some serious trouble with drugs and alcohol while away their first semester at college. Here are some warning signs that parents need to think about for their college-age children – and ones that can indicate that trouble is lurking around the corner:
- They have excessive cash withdrawals – I can’t emphasize enough that cash withdrawals must be limited. In fact, I wrote an entire blog on this topic. Make sure your child is using a debit or credit card for purchases – and not using the good ole “I paid for the check, and everyone paid me back, Mom” excuse. Why limit the cash withdrawals? Because drug dealers – and people that supply beer – only take only cash. And cash is unaccountable.
- They are out all the time – Of course, college is a time for exploring new relationships and establishing a social life. But if your child is out 4 or more nights a week (and not at the library), then they might be heading in a dangerous direction. Partying to excess is not “cute.” It’s dangerous.
- They are evasive about their friends and where they go – College is a different environment, and parents are not going to be totally in the know about all of their friends and whereabouts like they were in high school. But if they are not telling you who they hang with or where they are going, then it’s time to ask who, what, where, why and when.
- They are skipping class – If your student is repeatedly skipping class, there are probably other issues going on, such as staying out too late, being hungover, or not having motivation or feeling overwhelmed.
- They are sleeping all the time – It is natural for college students to keep more unconventional hours and nap in between class or to catch up for a big night out. Excessive sleeping can be a warning sign of depression or other issues, and that warrants immediate attention.
So what can you do as a parent, especially when your student is far away? Make time to engage. Arrange FaceTime dates, use Snapchat to send them pictures of the dog, and send occasional cards and care packages of their favorite things.
Above all, talk to them. Ask them not just if they are doing well in class or if they are dating anyone but ask them if they are worried or stressed about anything. Ask them how they are dealing with the pressure. Ask them if they are feeling alone, or isolated – or if they picked the right environment. Ask them directly about their drug or alcohol use. Don’t judge them at first if they tell you something, just listen. You might be surprised at their answers.
Don’t wait. If you suspect your child is in trouble, take action – and now. Insist they seek help with a local therapist that specializes in Chemical Dependency, or seek counseling at their college counseling center.
Above all, support them. Love them. And get them help – before it’s too late.
My first-born is off to college. We toured, he applied and he was admitted (Baylor, for those curious). We attended orientation. First semester tuition is paid, and the obligatory (and fun) trip to Bed Bath & Beyond is complete. He secured a dorm room (first choice), roommate (cute kid from Houston) and move-in time (o’dark-thirty on August 17).
He is my oldest and the first to leave the nest. I have many friends in similar boats: We have kids the same age, leaving for school and we are all entering this unchartered territory together. One by one they are leaving … for universities in-state, out-of-state, military institutions or they are staying close to home and working or attending local schools.
But here’s the thing: From my social media feed, you’d think that half of these kids have died. The posts are coming fast and furious as if their kids are gone forever and never coming home again.
And that makes me feel like a bad mom. Because the reality is – I’m not sad he’s leaving.
I’m excited. And thrilled.
Why should I be sad? He got into his first-choice school. He’s happy and looking forward to it. Plus, he’s a three hour-and-change drive away should something occur and I need to get there.
I’d be much sadder if he was home, living in my game-room with no future plan or direction.
So I simply do not feel sad. Why would I be sad? I’m thrilled for him and the wide-open possibilities that lie ahead. Will he study abroad? I hope so! Will he meet new people and experience different things than he has the last 18 years? Yes, please! I know for sure that on breaks he’ll come home and bring his laundry, empty my pantry and fridge, stay out way too late with his friends and drive me all kinds of crazy. And I can’t wait.
For 18 years, all I have wanted is for him to spread his wings and fly. And now he is. He has a work-ethic much like his surgeon-father and me combined and for that I am grateful. He is nervous and unsure and excited and planning his future independent of me. These are all of the things he should be doing as an 18-year-old facing a new challenge and mapping out his future.
I’ll always be there for him. I will sorely miss his energy and wit. I will miss his especially unique relationship he has with his sister. I will miss making him chocolate-chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast. I will miss the constant guitar and drum playing. I will miss watching Giants football games with him on Sundays. I will miss him coming into the house and saying, “Yo, whaasssup?” I will miss him cursing at the Madden Football screen. But sad? No. I’m not sad.
This momma is proud. And excited. And happy for him in a way he can’t possibly comprehend until one day when he watches his own kids go off to college.
Here in the great State of Texas, there is a not-so-great law. This law states that minors can be served in their own homes with alcohol provided that is supplied by a parent or legal guardian of the child.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents of many underage kids say, to some effect, “We are teaching our kids to drink responsibly at home.”
Um, what? No. Oh no. As Julia Roberts famously said in Pretty Woman, “Big Mistake. Huge.”
There is no research that proves that parents who serve their underage children are able to drink “responsibly.” In fact, this study shows that parents think that providing alcohol to teens at home decreases the risk for future problems, but in fact – the opposite is true. Parents that provide alcohol to minors actually increase the risk for future drinking problems.
I’ve had many clients come to my clinic and recount times in high school their parents served them alcohol. “It was always not a big deal,” they said. The irony is – and that I often point out – that they are sitting in my office dealing with some sort of substance-use issue.
I spoke with Dan Nichols, MA, LCDC, a former colleague and now Clinical Director of Lifetime Recovery, an in-patient rehab facility in San Antonio, and asked him his thoughts. “The only positive that comes to mind with parents serving minors in the home is risk-reduction with regards to operating a motor vehicle,” he said. “The others are all negatives. There are a lot of messages that are sent to the child, like they endorse underage drinking, and that it’s ok.”
When a parent introduces alcohol, Nichols says, the message is clear: “It basically is saying to the child, here’s how you should drink,” he said. “Next time, these kids will most likely be doing it outside the home.”
Nichols states there is a bottom line that parents often don’t think of when prematurely introductions alcohol to minors. “Alcohol is an addictive substance,” he said. “It’s not tea. It’s not Kool-Aid. So be aware that it can become habit-forming. People are not addicted on first exposure to alchohol, but sometimes there is an adverse effect, and sometimes there isn’t. But why take that chance with your 15 or 16-year-old kid?”
So, please, parents, please, pretty please, think twice before serving your underage children alcohol. To me, it crosses the parent boundary into the party-buddy zone. It blurs those lines, and Nichols is right: why take the chance?
The headlines are full of the horrific story of the Penn State Hazing incident, which left one boy, Timothy Piazza, dead and 18 – yes, 18 others charged in his death. As a drug counselor, as a mom of a boy about to embark on his own college journey to Baylor University, and simply as a human being that works in a field to help others, this binge drinking story is rough to read. And to comprehend.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings the blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of a person to 0.08 percent or above. This typically happens when men consume 5 or more drinks, and when women consume 4 or more drinks, in about a 2-hour time span.
My own binge drinking story took place in a dorm room at Snyder-Phillips Hall, on the campus of Michigan State University. I was 19. We planned “Century Club Night” with my brother floor on a Saturday. For those unfamilar with this game, Century Club consists of everyone sitting with a shot glass (typically 1.5 oz), and filling it with beer. Every minute for 100 minutes, you take a shot of beer. Sounds easy, right? Think again. This equates to just short of 9 cans of beer in just over 1.5 hours.
As a small person in stature (at the time, I was 5’2″ and clocked in at about 110 pounds) and not much of a drinker, I remember dropping out after about 21 or so shots. (For the record, that’s about 3 beers. In 21 minutes. Smart, right?) And I was wrecked. Completely, utterly wrecked. It could have gone way, way worse had I tried to keep up. I could barely walk after 21 shots of beer. Thank goodness I didn’t try.
But I still remember the peer-pressure. I remember people calling me “lame” and “light-weight” and goading me to continue. I honestly don’t remember who (if any) finished our Century Club Night. I just remember I felt horrible the rest of the weekend and vowed never to undertake in any more drinking “games.” Of course, at the time, I wasn’t thinking about binge drinking. All I know is we were college kids, doing what I thought college kids were supposed to be doing, buying shot glasses and calculating how much beer we would need for one shot per person for 100 minutes.
According to the CDC, about 90% of the alcohol consumed by youth under the age of 21 in the United States is in the form of binge-drinking. I have a client that tells me that her friends at school (a large Southern University) drink to the point of blacking out. On the regular. I shudder to think of these girls passed out, semi-conscious, on couches, beds, and God-Knows-Where-Else with their cognitions distorted, their inhibitions down and possibly no one watching out for them – or in some cases, not even knowing where they are located.
Over the past weekend, I was speaking with another college student home for the summer, and she told me that some of her friends – male and female – always, and she said always, plan to “drink until they pass out” on the weekends. She and I talked candidly about the dangers involved with this planned behavior. We discussed how many drinks are appropriate to consume within a particular time frame, the importance of drinking water with alcohol, eating enough before any alcohol is consumed and knowing, quite frankly, when to say when.
Parents, I beg you to warn your kids: binge drinking is no joke. Consuming many drinks in a short amount of time can have deadly consequences. The difference, literally, between life or death could be that one extra drink. Encouraging others to do so is just plain wrong. Watching others do so, without intervening (as the 18 charged at Penn State), could land you in jail.
These conversations need to be held, early (in elementary and middle schoool) and often (during high school and college).
I think about the Piazza family and how they’ll never get to watch their son Timothy graduate college, land his first job, walk down the aisle, start a family and so much more. I think about my decision to drop out of Cenury Club back when I was 19, the same age as Timothy, and what might have happened if I had not.
Lives can be ruined, cut short and everything in between by binge drinking. This needs to stop before another tragic headline emerges.
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