College Parents: Any of These Warning Signs Sound Familiar?
Many families are now adjusting to having a child away at college. Parents are worried about class schedules, whether Junior is getting enough nutrition and if their laundry is sorted correctly (or even done at all).
But kids are often using this situation to experiment with drugs and alcohol – in an environment where they are unaccountable for the first time (to anyone but themselves) and testing their newfound freedom.
This freedom can be okay for some, and work in the opposite direction for others. I know this because in my own clinic, I see many college students that got into some serious trouble with drugs and alcohol while away their first semester at college. Here are some warning signs that parents need to think about for their college-age children – and ones that can indicate that trouble is lurking around the corner:
- They have excessive cash withdrawals – I can’t emphasize enough that cash withdrawals must be limited. In fact, I wrote an entire blog on this topic. Make sure your child is using a debit or credit card for purchases – and not using the good ole “I paid for the check, and everyone paid me back, Mom” excuse. Why limit the cash withdrawals? Because drug dealers – and people that supply beer – only take only cash. And cash is unaccountable.
- They are out all the time – Of course, college is a time for exploring new relationships and establishing a social life. But if your child is out 4 or more nights a week (and not at the library), then they might be heading in a dangerous direction. Partying to excess is not “cute.” It’s dangerous.
- They are evasive about their friends and where they go – College is a different environment, and parents are not going to be totally in the know about all of their friends and whereabouts like they were in high school. But if they are not telling you who they hang with or where they are going, then it’s time to ask who, what, where, why and when.
- They are skipping class – If your student is repeatedly skipping class, there are probably other issues going on, such as staying out too late, being hungover, or not having motivation or feeling overwhelmed.
- They are sleeping all the time – It is natural for college students to keep more unconventional hours and nap in between class or to catch up for a big night out. Excessive sleeping can be a warning sign of depression or other issues, and that warrants immediate attention.
So what can you do as a parent, especially when your student is far away? Make time to engage. Arrange FaceTime dates, use Snapchat to send them pictures of the dog, and send occasional cards and care packages of their favorite things.
Above all, talk to them. Ask them not just if they are doing well in class or if they are dating anyone but ask them if they are worried or stressed about anything. Ask them how they are dealing with the pressure. Ask them if they are feeling alone, or isolated – or if they picked the right environment. Ask them directly about their drug or alcohol use. Don’t judge them at first if they tell you something, just listen. You might be surprised at their answers.
Don’t wait. If you suspect your child is in trouble, take action – and now. Insist they seek help with a local therapist that specializes in Chemical Dependency, or seek counseling at their college counseling center.
Above all, support them. Love them. And get them help – before it’s too late.
Blog Post: “Teaching” Kids to Drink
Here in the great State of Texas, there is a not-so-great law. This law states that minors can be served in their own homes with alcohol provided that is supplied by a parent or legal guardian of the child.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents of many underage kids say, to some effect, “We are teaching our kids to drink responsibly at home.”
Um, what? No. Oh no. As Julia Roberts famously said in Pretty Woman, “Big Mistake. Huge.”
There is no research that proves that parents who serve their underage children are able to drink “responsibly.” In fact, this study shows that parents think that providing alcohol to teens at home decreases the risk for future problems, but in fact – the opposite is true. Parents that provide alcohol to minors actually increase the risk for future drinking problems.
I’ve had many clients come to my clinic and recount times in high school their parents served them alcohol. “It was always not a big deal,” they said. The irony is – and that I often point out – that they are sitting in my office dealing with some sort of substance-use issue.
I spoke with Dan Nichols, MA, LCDC, a former colleague and now Clinical Director of Lifetime Recovery, an in-patient rehab facility in San Antonio, and asked him his thoughts. “The only positive that comes to mind with parents serving minors in the home is risk-reduction with regards to operating a motor vehicle,” he said. “The others are all negatives. There are a lot of messages that are sent to the child, like they endorse underage drinking, and that it’s ok.”
When a parent introduces alcohol, Nichols says, the message is clear: “It basically is saying to the child, here’s how you should drink,” he said. “Next time, these kids will most likely be doing it outside the home.”
Nichols states there is a bottom line that parents often don’t think of when prematurely introductions alcohol to minors. “Alcohol is an addictive substance,” he said. “It’s not tea. It’s not Kool-Aid. So be aware that it can become habit-forming. People are not addicted on first exposure to alchohol, but sometimes there is an adverse effect, and sometimes there isn’t. But why take that chance with your 15 or 16-year-old kid?”
So, please, parents, please, pretty please, think twice before serving your underage children alcohol. To me, it crosses the parent boundary into the party-buddy zone. It blurs those lines, and Nichols is right: why take the chance?
Blog Post: Binge Drinking
The headlines are full of the horrific story of the Penn State Hazing incident, which left one boy, Timothy Piazza, dead and 18 – yes, 18 others charged in his death. As a drug counselor, as a mom of a boy about to embark on his own college journey to Baylor University, and simply as a human being that works in a field to help others, this binge drinking story is rough to read. And to comprehend.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings the blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of a person to 0.08 percent or above. This typically happens when men consume 5 or more drinks, and when women consume 4 or more drinks, in about a 2-hour time span.
My own binge drinking story took place in a dorm room at Snyder-Phillips Hall, on the campus of Michigan State University. I was 19. We planned “Century Club Night” with my brother floor on a Saturday. For those unfamilar with this game, Century Club consists of everyone sitting with a shot glass (typically 1.5 oz), and filling it with beer. Every minute for 100 minutes, you take a shot of beer. Sounds easy, right? Think again. This equates to just short of 9 cans of beer in just over 1.5 hours.
As a small person in stature (at the time, I was 5’2″ and clocked in at about 110 pounds) and not much of a drinker, I remember dropping out after about 21 or so shots. (For the record, that’s about 3 beers. In 21 minutes. Smart, right?) And I was wrecked. Completely, utterly wrecked. It could have gone way, way worse had I tried to keep up. I could barely walk after 21 shots of beer. Thank goodness I didn’t try.
But I still remember the peer-pressure. I remember people calling me “lame” and “light-weight” and goading me to continue. I honestly don’t remember who (if any) finished our Century Club Night. I just remember I felt horrible the rest of the weekend and vowed never to undertake in any more drinking “games.” Of course, at the time, I wasn’t thinking about binge drinking. All I know is we were college kids, doing what I thought college kids were supposed to be doing, buying shot glasses and calculating how much beer we would need for one shot per person for 100 minutes.
According to the CDC, about 90% of the alcohol consumed by youth under the age of 21 in the United States is in the form of binge-drinking. I have a client that tells me that her friends at school (a large Southern University) drink to the point of blacking out. On the regular. I shudder to think of these girls passed out, semi-conscious, on couches, beds, and God-Knows-Where-Else with their cognitions distorted, their inhibitions down and possibly no one watching out for them – or in some cases, not even knowing where they are located.
Over the past weekend, I was speaking with another college student home for the summer, and she told me that some of her friends – male and female – always, and she said always, plan to “drink until they pass out” on the weekends. She and I talked candidly about the dangers involved with this planned behavior. We discussed how many drinks are appropriate to consume within a particular time frame, the importance of drinking water with alcohol, eating enough before any alcohol is consumed and knowing, quite frankly, when to say when.
Parents, I beg you to warn your kids: binge drinking is no joke. Consuming many drinks in a short amount of time can have deadly consequences. The difference, literally, between life or death could be that one extra drink. Encouraging others to do so is just plain wrong. Watching others do so, without intervening (as the 18 charged at Penn State), could land you in jail.
These conversations need to be held, early (in elementary and middle schoool) and often (during high school and college).
I think about the Piazza family and how they’ll never get to watch their son Timothy graduate college, land his first job, walk down the aisle, start a family and so much more. I think about my decision to drop out of Cenury Club back when I was 19, the same age as Timothy, and what might have happened if I had not.
Lives can be ruined, cut short and everything in between by binge drinking. This needs to stop before another tragic headline emerges.
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