A family came to me with their 17-year-old son, who was running – not walking – through every house rule. He wasn’t checking in with his parents as they requested. He was dabbling in substances, coming home high and/or drunk, well past his established curfew. Grades were suffering. The problems were many, the parents had lost control and all three were sitting on my couch, the parents in tears and the son, smirking and visibly high (unbeknownst to the parents).
“Sounds like a good time for a behavior contract,” I told all three.
A tool I use in my practice, and use often, is helping families write and implement behavior contracts. I have used behavior contracts with parents of tweens, teens and adult children (ones living at home as well as those living on their own in a college setting, or ones that have recently returned home after treatment).
Why a behavior contract? There are many reasons:
- It lays out expectations so there is no one saying “I didn’t know” or “You never told me that.” An example of this would be “Curfew on weekday nights is 10:00 p.m.; curfew on weekend nights is 12:00 a.m. sharp.”
- It keeps everyone accountable for both actions and consequences. i.e. failure to comply with stated curfew times will result in an immediate 48-hour phone surrender; there will be no video gaming when any one grade drops lower than a “B.”
- It sets boundaries – in writing for all parties involved to see – whereas prior to the contract boundaries may have been loose, or in some cases, non-existent: “There will be no smoking marijuana, vaping or drinking.”
- It clearly defines anything and everything that needs definition and clarification “you will be allowed to drive the Honda to and from school, and we will provide gas money, but any other driving beyond to and from school needs to be approved by one parent in advance.”
Behavior contracts are not completely punative; they can offer rewards – “six months of clean drug tests and your curfew will change from midnight to 1:00 a.m. on weekends.” or “we would like to host your friends over at least twice a month and we will order the food of your choice.”
The most important point about behavior contract is this: make sure you are willing to follow through with what you put on the document. For example, if you are not willing to drug test your child every month, and implement consequences for a failed test, then don’t put that on the contract.
I have firsthand seen many successes with behavior contracts. They are an excellent way for kids to earn back trust that’s been lost, to prove responsibility and for parents – to rein back control in areas where it’s been lost.
What do the following topics have in common?
- a mother who has a child consistently breaking curfew – and she has found pot in the child’s room
- a parent insisting on random UAs for their child who has been dabbling in various substances
- a couple assigning tasks to their blended large family which include household chores and limits on when they will drive and pick-up kids from unplanned or spontaneous plans
- a client being reminded to be on time for appointments, or they will be charged for a full hour
They all involve boundaries – either lack thereof or the need to enforce them. Lately, I’ve been discussing boundaries at length with clients, co-workers and friends.
Mention the word “boundaries” to anyone and people usually cringe. For some reason, the word has a negative connotation and sometimes, reaction. The opposite is, in fact, true. Boundaries, when reasonable and clear, set expectations and limits within all of our relationships – be it romantic, work, friend or parent/child. Boundaries set a standard and ensure a baseline of trust, which is a necessary component for any successful relationship.
One thing that makes me simply nash my teeth to powder is when a parent tells me, when discussing boundries, is, “Well, they’re over 18, I have no say,” or “They’re an adult, I can’t do anything about it.”
Um, huh? What? Did you really just say that? You can and need to do everything about it.
So parents, I ask you this: do they live in your house? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are you paying for their living expenses? Yes? Then set boundaries.
Are they going down a path that is high-risk? Yes? Then set boundaries. Now.
A father recently came to my clinic to talk about his oldest child, an adult, who moved back home after years of heroin use. The child has been in and out of rehab. Nothing is sticking, and the using is getting worse. The child stayed clean for a bit of time, but recently relapsed. The child was stealing from his parents and lying to cover up the substance use. We discussed treatment options. I suggested that based on the current status of things, it was probably time for an intervention to take place.
“Well, I don’t want to kick a dog when it’s down,” the father said. “I’m not sure now is the time for that.”
Boundaries are severely lacking in all aspects of this child’s life. We talked about boundaries as a gift, not a punishment. I added to the father that if this didn’t happen, his child might not have another chance to steal money from him – because the child most likely will succumb to his addiction. In this case, boundaries will more likely than not serve as a life-saver.
I struggled with boundaries soon after opening my private practice. I had clients that would text me at all hours of the night and if I was up, I would usually engage in texting with them. But it was taking an emotional toll on me. I can’t be available 24/7, and I wasn’t doing my clients any favors. So, I stopped answering texts and calls after a certain time at night and let those clients know that I was not available during those times. It was a boundary I needed to set, one they respected, and it benefitted us both in the long run.
So set your boundaries, and never apologize for doing so. Your relationships will thrive – not suffer.
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