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Blog Post: Boundaries

Blog Post: Boundaries

What do the following topics have in common?

  • a mother who has a child consistently breaking curfew – and she has found pot in the child’s room
  • a parent insisting on random UAs for their child who has been dabbling in various substances
  • a couple assigning tasks to their blended large family which include household chores and limits on when they will drive and pick-up kids from unplanned or spontaneous plans
  • a client being reminded to be on time for appointments, or they will be charged for a full hour

They all involve boundaries – either lack thereof or the need to enforce them. Lately, I’ve been discussing boundaries at length with clients, co-workers and friends.

Mention the word “boundaries” to anyone and people usually cringe. For some reason, the word has a negative connotation and sometimes, reaction. The opposite is, in fact, true. Boundaries, when reasonable and clear, set expectations and limits within all of our relationships – be it romantic, work, friend or parent/child. Boundaries set a standard and ensure a baseline of trust, which is a necessary component for any successful relationship.

One thing that makes me simply nash my teeth to powder is when a parent tells me, when discussing boundries, is, “Well, they’re over 18, I have no say,” or “They’re an adult, I can’t do anything about it.”

Um, huh? What? Did you really just say that? You can and need to do everything about it.

So parents, I ask you this: do they live in your house? Yes? Then set boundaries.

Are you paying for their living expenses? Yes? Then set boundaries.

Are they going down a path that is high-risk? Yes? Then set boundaries. Now.

A father recently came to my clinic to talk about his oldest child, an adult, who moved back home after years of heroin use. The child has been in and out of rehab. Nothing is sticking, and the using is getting worse. The child stayed clean for a bit of time, but recently relapsed. The child was stealing from his parents and lying to cover up the substance use. We discussed treatment options. I suggested that based on the current status of things, it was probably time for an intervention to take place.

“Well, I don’t want to kick a dog when it’s down,” the father said. “I’m not sure now is the time for that.”

Boundaries are severely lacking in all aspects of this child’s life. We talked about boundaries as a gift, not a punishment. I added to the father that if this didn’t happen, his child might not have another chance to steal money from him – because the child most likely will succumb to his addiction. In this case, boundaries will more likely than not serve as a life-saver.

I struggled with boundaries soon after opening my private practice.  I had clients that would text me at all hours of the night and if I was up, I would usually engage in texting with them. But it was taking an emotional toll on me. I can’t be available 24/7, and I wasn’t doing my clients any favors. So, I stopped answering texts and calls after a certain time at night and let those clients know that I was not available during those times. It was a boundary I needed to set, one they respected, and it benefitted us both in the long run.

So set your boundaries, and never apologize for doing so. Your relationships will thrive – not suffer.

Blog Post: Knock-Out Roses & Resilience

Blog Post: Knock-Out Roses & Resilience

When I moved to Texas from the north 13 years ago, I had no idea what plants worked in the hot climate and Hill Country rocky soil. So I did what any good Yankee would do and went to the local nursery to find out. This black thumb (and I mean, I can kill a plant just by looking at it) asked the worker that saw me wandering lost and clueless among the aisles of unknown shrubs for the most resilient Texas plant.

Knock-out roses, she said. You can’t kill ’em even if you tried.

Watch me, I promised.

But she was right. We bought some knock-out roses, red ones, and boy were they resilient. They thrived and grew despite how much or how little water or sun or attention they got, and they were beautiful. Every house I’ve owned in Texas (and there have been three so far) I have planted them because, well, even I can keep them alive, no matter what.

I see these roses daily, in my own yard and on my runs throughout various areas and neighborhoods. They bring me such pleasure, especially knowing how hard they need to work to survive.

I talked about these roses with a client the other day. This client has experienced some particularly horrific life events, more in her young 18 years than most have in a lifetime. This client’s story is one that could have gone in a way different direction, but instead, this client is graduating high school and heading off to college and planning a future that is greatly unknown but wide open with possibility.

In our session, this client was running down on what she perceived to be negative qualities, such as “I’m self-destructive in relationships,” “People don’t like me as much as I like them,” “I hate most of my appearance,” and so on and so forth.

You need to give yourself credit, I replied. I compared her to a knock-out rose – resilient under the most trying of circumstances, and even thriving through it all. That’s a gift that you have, I told this client, and something that no one can ever take away – the ability to persevere and keep growing despite everything and everyone else.

At the end of the session, she was smiling. “I guess I am pretty resilient,” she said. “I hate that I always have to be, but I am.” We talked about where resilience can take you in life, and how she has already, unknowningly, applied it to her own life in many different areas.

I know I will think about this client every time I see those roses. And I know that she’ll be okay, no matter what comes her way.  (more…)