It’s 2018 and everyone is talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Regardless of the time of year, I always ask clients to tell me a few goals they want to work on in therapy. Of all the goals people state, one of the most common ones I hear is this: “I just want to be happy” or “I want my kid/spouse/marriage/parents to be happy.”
When clients say that, I know therapy most likely will not give them what they need. Because happiness isn’t a goal. It’s a mindset.
I think a lot about happiness. I talk at length about it with my clients ranging in age from 10 – 91. What differentiates happy people from ones that are not? How can we be happy when we are in the midst of a personal crisis? How can depressed people be happy? What is happiness and how can we measure or judge it?
While the answer to happiness is far from simple, and it’s different for everyone, there are a few things to think about regarding happiness….and how to make it a mindset, not simply a goal:
1) Manage expectations – Remember Prom? Or Homecoming? Or New Year’s Eve? Probably wasn’t as great as you thought it was going to be, right? Sometimes, we need to manage our expectations. Focusing on the small, funny, happy moments even if a night or big event goes awry can put a positive – and fun – spin on things.
2) There’s no Magic Happy Pill – Many clients expect happiness to appear out of thin air. I hate to tell them this, but it doesn’t. That’s not how happiness works. I recently had this discussion with a client who told me she was “waiting to be happy.” My answer to her was, “You’re going to be waiting a long time if you think happiness is just going to show up.”
3) Look for the Small Things – Often there is happiness or joy all around us. We just sometimes miss it because we are too wrapped into our own thoughts and our state of mind gets in our way. For instance, at the airport in California where I began writing this post, I observed an elderly couple holding hands. I saw a young child wearing his Disneyland sweatshirt and clutching a stuffed Mickey Mouse, his eyes still wide with the wonder and excitement of his magical vacation. I could have chosen to focus on the traffic and crowds and other common annoyances of traveling, but I was too busy focusing on the positive things all around me.
4) It’s Not Up to Other People – Rule number one is that happiness needs to come from within. Expecting others to be that source is simply setting yourself up for failure. Of course, we derive great happiness from our personal interactions and relationships, but those cannot be the sole source. Being happy with ourselves means accepting the good, bad and ugly of ourselves, and realizing that at the end of the day, our state of “happiness” is up to us – and only us.
5) Not Every Moment of Every Day is Happy – and That’s OK. We live in a world where we literally have a front seat to everybody’s lives on social media. And I always, always remind my clients that no one posts the bad stuff. Case in point: a client told me about a friend that was posting amazing holiday pictures – family at church, everyone in matching pajamas on Christmas Eve, opening presents, everyone smiling and happy. When she spoke to that friend, she learned about some of the fighting and things going on all while those “picture perfect” photos were being snapped and posted. We carefully edit and delete the bad pictures, the imperfections, the out-of-focus shots. No one is happy 100% of the time. No one.
6) Focus on the “Happy.” – One of the exercises I utilize in my clinic is asking clients to state the “highs and lows” that occurred since our last session. I usually ask for at least three each. When clients tell me “there were no highs” I don’t let them off the hook. I ask them if they saw any friends, did anything fun, at at a restaurant they like, had a text from someone that made them laugh. Focusing on the positive, no matter how miniscule it may seem, can slowly, over time, help shift our mindset.
7) Surround yourself with Happy People – Let’s face it – hanging out with Debbie Downers all the time can have a domino effect. Think about the happiest friend or family member or co-worker you know. Be around them more. Pull back from the people in your life that constantly emote negative energy.
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